Something new. Something better. Someone better and new.

Dear 25 year old,

 I am a Paradox ( as opposed to being a hypocrite). Well, you (25 year old me) are too.

I am an extrovert but still find it difficult to talk to strangers (even ordering stuff on the phone or in a mall scares/scared me. But I have grown. FINALLY. THANKFULLY.

                                                    She's the man.

Well, anyway, I have been lazing away the whole week and school's starting from Monday...

Before my one week vacation began I had made these grand plans of completing my course which never saw the light of day. 

Nevermind that.

I have to submit the research question for my Sociology Project tomorrow. I am going to do a project on the Condition or Hardships faced by the Transgender Community in my country. Well, I hope everything goes fine. I can't believe it, but I had the guts to call up several NGOs (who asked me to call tomorrow again) about this issue. I can't believe that I, the shy, stuttering girl who was so scared of conversing with strangers, has FINALLY stepped up and turned over a new greener leaf. 

                                                             Yay me!


Dear 25 year old me, I wonder how my project went? You must already know, right? I wonder if I even went through with it?

I hope I did.

I hope I did an awesome job. I hope I scored full marks in my 12th class Board Examination. Hope is Eternal, eh?

I hope I got to interview members of the transgender community! Did I make friends with them? Oh, won't that be swell.

Mostly, I want to be able to go through with this project , with my head held  high till the end! I don't  want to be a quitter. Not any more. I want to finish the things I started (Gee, anyone else notice how it looks like I am going kill someone or something? hahaa).

I want to make someone proud of me and my actions. :)

Love,


Anna

'hisashiburi'

PLEASE GO THROUGH THE KEY BEFORE YOU PROCEED.

NOTE - To understand who I'm referring to please see the KEY which is pasted on the bottom of the post. The words written in ORANGE color and are CAPITALIZED are the names of people in my life. To protect their identity I have used code names. Please refer to the Key to understand more about them. Thank you.



To dear 25 year old,

'hisashiburi'/ long time no see .

I feel lost. Aimless. Like I have to have something, Like i have to do something, restless, I toss from here to there without aim or progress. Eventually, I give up and let my lethargy take over me.

School's going to start from Monday. Argh, the same old routine will pick up and I will be too busy to hear myself out. To listen to myself, to pay attention to myself.

I have to really step up this year and study. I feel that the only one who knows me and understands me is ...me and you, of course (25 year old).


I want to go to a shrink but mum won't let me. My friend asked me to throw a fit but I am scared...

What if they agree? Then what?

I imagine myself sitting in the shrink's office feeling extremely awkward because things are not the way I dreamed or expected. Yes, that's what I fear. Not getting exactly what I want.

And even if I am comfortable enough to open my vault and let the stream of thoughts flow...
What if the shrink tells my parents about it?

I am scared of trusting. I am scare of having my trust broken. Sigh.

I hope you (the 25 year old me) are not like this. I hope you are happy, wiser and richer. :D

Bring on the bling bling! hhaha.

Just kidding. Actually not. I love money,. I love my family, friends too. But I also love money. But somehow...I feel guilty for covetting it. I feel greedy, which maybe I am. I am scared of people stereotyping me and calling me a bad person for wanting money. Loads of it.

My fears seem irrational...but somehow very valid to me.


Since I can't go to a shrink because of trust issues, I have decided to pour out my feelings on these blank spaces.

So, for startes, I feel really pissed at Blabbermouth. I mean she's very nice blah3 . I know. I love her. But, but but,

Some things that she does REALLY get on my nerves. Like the way she complained and nagged BURIKO about her boyfriend (now ex). I felt like saying that since BLABBERMOUTH hadn't even TOLD  BURIKO about her boyfriend and all the shit that went down, and all the shit that she did, she shouldn't have the right to stop BURIKO from doing what BURIKO wanted 'cause BLABBERMOUTH did what she wanted however irrational and disgusting it was!

I know that BLABBERMOUTH wants BURIKO's well being. But come on, stop being such a hypocrite.

Anyway, I don't even like the way that BLABBERMOUTH hung out with her ex-boyfriend who was a fucking tyrant, on the festival. It was so...disgusting and confusing for me.

I don't understand or appreciate such behaviour AT ALL. And even her picture where she's drinking shots!

I know, I know that I shouldn't judge and I should 'Live and Let Live' and believe me, I AM. That's one of the reasons (apart from my trust issue) that I haven't cribbed about these things to anyone ebcause I DON'T WANT TO BITCH ABOUT ANYONE.


But this is not bitching... i think not. I don't know. I just feel so frustrated. I NEED TO LET MY THOUGHTS GO!

For once and for all.

I need to get rid of this guilt. I am tormented by this guilt.


A pile of guilt lies on my shoulder weighing me down.


Guilt from confessing such things on an international forum

Guilt from talking bad about my friends


Guilt from THINKING such things.

Guilt, guilt. guilt. HOW THE FUCK DO I GET RID OF IT?


I so hope you (25 yr old me) don't have such problems. i hope that you have enough money to visit the shrink and are getting some help.


Cause that'd be swell.


That would be so swell.



I feel so much better already.


Love,


The present-not -so-happy me

I drift-

Drifting through unknown lands
I seek something
Something I am not quite sure of
Something I am not aware of
But I seek it
I seek it desperately

My reins are pulled
I am stopped
Who stops me?
Is that you God?
Why do you stop em from seeking?
Or is it just me and my lethargy
That stops me from seeking
All the answers to the questions
All the keys to the locks
All the love to the hate


What do I seek?
With all my strength
With my every breath
With my ever sigh
With my every thought
With all my senses and my soul
What do i seek so desperately?
What are the answers that I want to find?
What are the questions for these answers?

Drifting and wandering through unknown lands
i wander
I drift
But not aimlessly


-Anna


I hope you've found what you were looking for, dear 25 year old me

Dear

Dear Lee,

Dear lee,


I see all these blogs which come in Blogger's BLOGS OF NOTE and wonder if my blog would ever turn up there?

Is it worthy? I wonder if anyone is reading my blogs. I have hardly 10 views which is pathetic honestly...

I wish I had readers, followers... but I don't want my identity to be discovered. Sometimes I can't seem to fathom why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Why am I pouring my heart out on an alien site?

Why am I announcing to the world that I have an imaginary love/best friend...?

What if people make fun of me and my frivolousness...?

All these thoughts bother me...





But then I think... if no one is reading this...who'll make fun of me?

And...my identity hopefully willl remain always a secret.


I wonder when the day will come when I'll have a follower.

Someone to share my thoughts with other than you...



Anyway... that's it for today..

Love,

Anna

Dear Lee,

Dear Lee,


Mom has gone to visit her mom.She'll be back by the 6th. My dad made lunch which I and my sister didn't eat. We ordered in from dominos. He was pissed but didn't say much because we all were too bothered about what is happening in Dil Wale Dulhania Le Jayenge. We've seen the movie a gazzillion times but still we just can't stop watching it whenever it is played on the telly. Also, It is played even in the theaters sometimes. It's beautiful I love it!

I've never been a big shah rukh fan or a Kajol fan but I  have liked them, and their couple is cuter!

I love Shah Rukh Khan in this movie. He looks soooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. So adorable.

And I love all the songs too. I LOVE thought of running through osh, so field of flowers. Gosh so cheesy... *blush* and maybe corny too. DEFINITELY CORNY.

But don't we all want some cheesiness in our life?

I know I do. A little won't kill anyone. :D

I hope when we meet Lee, I'll be as crazily in love with you as Kajol/  Simran is with Shah Rukh Khan/ Raj.

XOXO

Love,

Anna

Dear 25 year old

NOTE - To understand who I'm referring to please see the KEY which is pasted on the bottom of the post. The words written in ORANGE color and are CAPITALIZED are the names of people in my life. To protect their identity I have used code names. Please refer to the Key to understand more about them. Thank you.


Dear 25 year old,

I hope you're happier than I am now. I hope the WHITE COAT isn't  a part of your life anymore. I hope you've found peace and are happy.  Have you got a boyfriend yet? *giggles*. Are you still friends with ANGEL, DON'T FUCK WITH ME,BILLU, THE PERFECT GIRL ,COME BACK HOME ,LIFE SUCKS WHEN YOU TAKE SCIENCE ,BLABBERMOUTH, BUTTERFLY, AKIRA CHAN, MOODY?

I hope you are... I hope you got into St.Stephens and got back at GIRLY LOSER for  turning you down... or are you all "grown up"  and don't care about such "CHILDISH" things anymore? Hmm... I guess.... whatever suits you.. If you're happy then I'm happy. Haha, I am :) 

Have you become popular through blogging or are you still oblivious to people? Has anyone found out your true identity? I hope not. Honestly, I hope not. 

And I also hope you haven't been through anymore mortifying things as I for one, at the age of 16, have had ENOUGH.

I hope there aren't anymore waiting for me... *shudders*.

Did you and DON'T FUCK WITH ME get an apartment or something like you planned? Has DON'T FUCK WITH ME left for the US? I hope not.... we've become such close friends... gosh... It'd be horrible.

I hope you and THE PERFECT GIRL are still the best of friends. Has she found a boyfriend? I hope he's as cool and kind as she is. Has DON'T FUCK WITH ME found a boyfriend?? 

That would be the day I'd call "WHAT THE FUCK" because   DON'T FUCK WITH ME was so 'anti-boy'.... and waow... that guy haha...I'd stalk him and do a complete background check to make sure DON'T FUCK WITH ME 's got the best. I'll do the same for THE PERFECT GIRL'S boyfriend. haha.

And I hope they do for mine too. :D 

Has COME BACK HOME come home? I hope so... I think she must have...and I hope you two are still best friends... I mean WE two are still the best of friends. Hmm...

Is she still with the LOSER? I hope not. She deserves better, don't know why she lets losers fool her into believing she's got the best. Gosh. 

And are you rich? I hope so. Gosh I hope I am rich. Did you pass the civil exams? Are you an IAS officer? i hope so. I so wanted to do something for my country... it'll be a pity if I don't get in. And I hope I do write the exams. 

Sponsor a child or something when you're rich. Won't kill you. I know you/I am a miser but I hope it doesn't affect doing good for others.

Are you still a worrier? I hope not. By the way, did BIMBO get married to her boyfreind? She must be 28!!!!!!!!!! Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

haha, I am so shocked. And gosh, PSYCHO is married, is Ms. FAKE ACCENT married too? I hope so. I hope she found the best fucking husband on this earth because she SO deserves it.

Gosh. OMG. Have any of my friends got married? WAOW. FUCK OFF!! Did BLABBERMOUTH get married? 

I hope she got married by her own will and not because her parents forced her. Did she get into NIFT ? I hope she got into it... through her hard work... and not have her husband pay for it.

I still regret not saying when she presented the prospect of getting into NIFT that way... I guess I agreed with her in some ways. She's not a bad person. She's a wonderful person, but her thoughts take me aback sometimes,.

OMG, Forget about boyfriends, have I gotten married? SHUT THE FUCK UP, I haven't! I hope I'm enjoying my life :D heheh 

Gosh, mum and dad must've started looking for a groom for me? EWWWW The whole thought freaks me out.

LMAO.

But get married if you find a hottie! JK :P

Anyway, I hope you're singing reached...somewhere...wherever that somewhere is...

I'll add any more new things if I remember...

Till then

XOXO

Love,

Anna