Something new. Something better. Someone better and new.

Dear 25 year old,

 I am a Paradox ( as opposed to being a hypocrite). Well, you (25 year old me) are too.

I am an extrovert but still find it difficult to talk to strangers (even ordering stuff on the phone or in a mall scares/scared me. But I have grown. FINALLY. THANKFULLY.

                                                    She's the man.

Well, anyway, I have been lazing away the whole week and school's starting from Monday...

Before my one week vacation began I had made these grand plans of completing my course which never saw the light of day. 

Nevermind that.

I have to submit the research question for my Sociology Project tomorrow. I am going to do a project on the Condition or Hardships faced by the Transgender Community in my country. Well, I hope everything goes fine. I can't believe it, but I had the guts to call up several NGOs (who asked me to call tomorrow again) about this issue. I can't believe that I, the shy, stuttering girl who was so scared of conversing with strangers, has FINALLY stepped up and turned over a new greener leaf. 

                                                             Yay me!


Dear 25 year old me, I wonder how my project went? You must already know, right? I wonder if I even went through with it?

I hope I did.

I hope I did an awesome job. I hope I scored full marks in my 12th class Board Examination. Hope is Eternal, eh?

I hope I got to interview members of the transgender community! Did I make friends with them? Oh, won't that be swell.

Mostly, I want to be able to go through with this project , with my head held  high till the end! I don't  want to be a quitter. Not any more. I want to finish the things I started (Gee, anyone else notice how it looks like I am going kill someone or something? hahaa).

I want to make someone proud of me and my actions. :)

Love,


Anna

'hisashiburi'

PLEASE GO THROUGH THE KEY BEFORE YOU PROCEED.

NOTE - To understand who I'm referring to please see the KEY which is pasted on the bottom of the post. The words written in ORANGE color and are CAPITALIZED are the names of people in my life. To protect their identity I have used code names. Please refer to the Key to understand more about them. Thank you.



To dear 25 year old,

'hisashiburi'/ long time no see .

I feel lost. Aimless. Like I have to have something, Like i have to do something, restless, I toss from here to there without aim or progress. Eventually, I give up and let my lethargy take over me.

School's going to start from Monday. Argh, the same old routine will pick up and I will be too busy to hear myself out. To listen to myself, to pay attention to myself.

I have to really step up this year and study. I feel that the only one who knows me and understands me is ...me and you, of course (25 year old).


I want to go to a shrink but mum won't let me. My friend asked me to throw a fit but I am scared...

What if they agree? Then what?

I imagine myself sitting in the shrink's office feeling extremely awkward because things are not the way I dreamed or expected. Yes, that's what I fear. Not getting exactly what I want.

And even if I am comfortable enough to open my vault and let the stream of thoughts flow...
What if the shrink tells my parents about it?

I am scared of trusting. I am scare of having my trust broken. Sigh.

I hope you (the 25 year old me) are not like this. I hope you are happy, wiser and richer. :D

Bring on the bling bling! hhaha.

Just kidding. Actually not. I love money,. I love my family, friends too. But I also love money. But somehow...I feel guilty for covetting it. I feel greedy, which maybe I am. I am scared of people stereotyping me and calling me a bad person for wanting money. Loads of it.

My fears seem irrational...but somehow very valid to me.


Since I can't go to a shrink because of trust issues, I have decided to pour out my feelings on these blank spaces.

So, for startes, I feel really pissed at Blabbermouth. I mean she's very nice blah3 . I know. I love her. But, but but,

Some things that she does REALLY get on my nerves. Like the way she complained and nagged BURIKO about her boyfriend (now ex). I felt like saying that since BLABBERMOUTH hadn't even TOLD  BURIKO about her boyfriend and all the shit that went down, and all the shit that she did, she shouldn't have the right to stop BURIKO from doing what BURIKO wanted 'cause BLABBERMOUTH did what she wanted however irrational and disgusting it was!

I know that BLABBERMOUTH wants BURIKO's well being. But come on, stop being such a hypocrite.

Anyway, I don't even like the way that BLABBERMOUTH hung out with her ex-boyfriend who was a fucking tyrant, on the festival. It was so...disgusting and confusing for me.

I don't understand or appreciate such behaviour AT ALL. And even her picture where she's drinking shots!

I know, I know that I shouldn't judge and I should 'Live and Let Live' and believe me, I AM. That's one of the reasons (apart from my trust issue) that I haven't cribbed about these things to anyone ebcause I DON'T WANT TO BITCH ABOUT ANYONE.


But this is not bitching... i think not. I don't know. I just feel so frustrated. I NEED TO LET MY THOUGHTS GO!

For once and for all.

I need to get rid of this guilt. I am tormented by this guilt.


A pile of guilt lies on my shoulder weighing me down.


Guilt from confessing such things on an international forum

Guilt from talking bad about my friends


Guilt from THINKING such things.

Guilt, guilt. guilt. HOW THE FUCK DO I GET RID OF IT?


I so hope you (25 yr old me) don't have such problems. i hope that you have enough money to visit the shrink and are getting some help.


Cause that'd be swell.


That would be so swell.



I feel so much better already.


Love,


The present-not -so-happy me

I drift-

Drifting through unknown lands
I seek something
Something I am not quite sure of
Something I am not aware of
But I seek it
I seek it desperately

My reins are pulled
I am stopped
Who stops me?
Is that you God?
Why do you stop em from seeking?
Or is it just me and my lethargy
That stops me from seeking
All the answers to the questions
All the keys to the locks
All the love to the hate


What do I seek?
With all my strength
With my every breath
With my ever sigh
With my every thought
With all my senses and my soul
What do i seek so desperately?
What are the answers that I want to find?
What are the questions for these answers?

Drifting and wandering through unknown lands
i wander
I drift
But not aimlessly


-Anna


I hope you've found what you were looking for, dear 25 year old me